The willful ignorance of that statement is astounding. The only exception being if that girl verbally expressed to you beforehand that she wanted you to yell at her with the sole purpose of making her cry, you both were comfortable with the scenario, and had agreed upon safe words that would immediately stop the session / scene if either one of you needed to, for any reason. I'm not judging anyone's kinks here, so if that's for you, go for it. Although, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that is not the context of what that statement is referring to.
~ Second, SAFE WORDS. These are words (or any verbal / nonverbal form of communication) that were agreed upon by both parties prior to engaging in a session / scene. If you are a 24/7 lifestyler like me, these words are in place all the time, with reminders that they are there before a session / scene.
Safe words exist for the purpose of, you guessed it, safety. Physically, but also (and often shamefully overlooked) emotionally and psychologically. Safe words are an emergency brake. If for any reason whatsoever, you need to stop, simply use your safe word. If the Dominant is a true Dominant, He will immediately stop the session / scene and go into Aftercare. It does not matter how intensely He was into it, or how close He was to His orgasm, etc, He will stop and take care of your needs. Being a Dominant is something that requires a level of self control that I don't know many people to possess.
However, trusting someone to be your Dominant who does not possess the skill of self control in those situations, can be incredibly dangerous... For both of you. So please vet your potential partners carefully, just as you hopefully would for any relationship.
Submission is a gift that can only be given willingly... When control is taken, that's not submission. That's ABUSE.
Talking to your partner is incredibly important. Discuss things you are and are not comfortable with doing. Set limits. Specific and detailed boundaries. Misunderstandings and assumptions can be relationship killers. So much pain is completely avoidable, if you just communicate as clearly as possible.
Safe words can also be very helpful with communication in day to day life with your significant other in a 24/7 dynamic, especially if either of you have PTSD or come from a past where you have been abused in any way.
BDSM doesn't have to only focus on the sexual. It's about trust; and for some people, like me, it can be incredibly healing.
I've been told more than once by people in the "vanilla world" that they are shocked that I can engage in a BDSM relationship considering the abuse I've suffered in my past. So I'll touch on that real quick, since I'm here...
My Dominant earned my trust. He began as my Best Friend. I trusted Him with my life well before being in a relationship with Him. Want to know HOW He earned my trust? By consistently being the Man He claimed He was. By making promises and keeping them. By standing by His word, and having integrity unlike any degree I've ever witnessed another person having. By apologizing when He makes mistakes, and then taking active steps to make sure they don't get repeated. By acknowledging His "flaws" and not being complacent with them.
So I gift Him with my submission. He earned my trust, so I gladly expose my throat, knowing He could easily take my life from me, but trusting Him not to. Not hoping He won't... Trusting He won't.
The surrender of trusting someone so completely, knowing with such certainty that they cherish you and your needs above ALL else, brings with it a euphoric happiness so intense that it cannot be put into words.
My Dom (who also happens to now be my husband) is hyper aware of any little face or movement or sound that I make and adjusts accordingly; before I even have time to use a safe word. Even outside of the bedroom. I asked Him once how He knows to do that. He simply said it's because He studies me. He genuinely cares. He's always trying to make sure my needs are met, psychologically, physically, and emotionally. And all I want to do is put Him first in every way. To make Him as happy as I possibly can. 24/7.
The last thing I'm going to say about safe words, is yes they are necessary. Human error is a thing. Your Dom can absolutely go too far or hurt you completely by accident. It can happen. Having safe words in place is just good sense. A smart trapeze artist still uses a safety net. This doesn't mean he doubts his skill, it just means he can focus on his art and enjoy it more without the anxiety of possible human error ruining it for him, because he knows the net is in place.
~ Third, AFTERCARE. This is so important, and so many people don't even know what it is. Aftercare in BDSM is the period of time after a session / scene in which your Dominant attends to your physical, emotional, and psychological needs, whatever they may be. Everyone is different, so this may vary from person to person. Contrary to popular belief, Dominants can need Aftercare as well, although it doesn't seem to be as common.
My personal Aftercare involves my Dom snuggling me and slowly rubbing my legs / arms / back / tummy with light pressure, all while going over the passionate details of our session / scene in a low soothing voice in my ear. He tells me how much He loves me, and He validates every part of me. After roughly 20 minutes of this (the length can be longer depending on the intensity of the session / scene and my needs), we get up and he attends to any physical pain I may have (again depending on the session / scene).
Aftercare isn't one sided for us. I love to validate everything He says and does with as much love as my heart can give without bursting at the seams.
The intense depth of Aftercare can sometimes bring me to tears... The purity of that joy is extraordinary and profound.
~ It's easy to be taken advantage of if you are inexperienced or uneducated in this lifestyle. Please know that if you or your partner (either Dom or sub) don't respect the other's needs and/or limits, or one of you fears the other for any reason, that is not BDSM. That's ABUSE. And that is NOT okay.
If you just want people to submit to you because you crave power or control, you are not a Dominant. You are an asshole. A true Dominant cares for His sub's needs more than His own and cherishes her... He doesn't take the gift of her submission for granted, as He knows she has the power to take it away.
BDSM is definitely not for everyone. But if you feel it IS for you, please educate yourself and stay safe.
